Ok. Let’s be honest. I know why I’m gaining weight.
I’m scared. I’m stopping my medication in about a week from today, and last year when I tried, well, I had to return to the hospital. And then I had to drop my semester at university. It’s been going so well until now, and I’m so afraid that it will all suddenly stop, as if I’m waking up from a nice dream to face dreadful reality.
So I’m hiding. I’m staying in my apartment, isolated, and uses all forms of escapism to forget about being scared. And I go overboard with comfort food. Because I feel like my disease could activate itself anytime, and it’s just waiting for the opportune moment, somewhere, to strike. So I’m like, ‘fuck it, at least I will enjoy myself for the few days/week that I have left’, and then I throw all my good efforts out of the window.
I know it’s a TERRIBLE attitude—especially since my disease tends to activate itself when I eat awful amounts of food that can be harmful to my body, but I haven’t found a way to stop. I’m too scared.
How do you fight fear?
